Last Friday night, I was bored and horny at my apartment, swiping aggressively on Tinder but having no luck. I needed a drink. And then I had a crazy ideaβwhy not just walk out into the actual world and see if a real-life human being wants to have sex with me?
It seemed so novel and retro. So I put on my knee-high suede boots and my new contour stick and was feeling very powerful. Little did I know the horror I was about to put myself through. Most obviously, I like that you can stalk your prey from the comfort of your bed. I also love that apps have given new life to the old-school date. For Tinder dates I dress up, I meet the guy for a drink at like p. And I like that. But back to my IRL sex mission.
Annoyingly, everyone there was either in a group of friends or already on a date. Still, I ordered myself a martini and started smiling at random hot people. Then for a while I circled around groups of men, all of whom ignored me. I felt like a mosquito. It felt very testosterone-heavy, which I took as a good sign. I downed a martini. Eventually, I was drunk enough to just grab someone by the arm and pull him toward me surprisingly effective.
He was a 30ish guy in a suit and thick-rimmed glasses, who reminded me of a young Elliott Gould. He bought me a drink and told me he flew planes as a hobby. He put his hand up my skirt a bit, and invited me to go with him and his friends to a bar downtown. Twenty minutes later he was back, now wearing a deep V-neck T-shirt, giant gold sneakers, and aviator lenses. In the space of one drink, my tweedy, intellectual Jew had transformed into a DJ from Ibiza.
The evening ended with me literally sprinting away from V-neck, almost being hit by a cab in the process. When I finally made it back to my apartment, out of breath, all I could think was: How is it possible that people used to meet in bars? But people still do it. My friend Kaitlinβa flirtatious, year-old writerβis one of them. Kaitlin dates a lot of guys and meets them all in real life. I mean, no one would swipe right for those. But then once girls start talking to him. Ultimately, what Kaitlin wants is for men to be vettedβwhether through social connections, or simply by having her friends help her assess whether a guy at the bar is fuck-worthy.
