I removed all dating apps from my phone. You might wonder what provoked this grand gesture. It was a man. They were too this or too that. I also have other excuses. In my 20s and 30s, I wanted to play the field, and in my 40s and early 50s, I was focusing on my career. The reality is that I have been afraid of intimacy and have used these excuses to protect myself.
Those dating apps became a security blanket, something I could swipe at and feel like part of the process. When you are in your mids in the gay world, you could swipe right on everything and have limited options. I finally hit the jackpot and got a match. He was in his early 40s and very attractive and he wanted to meet. He was really handsome and sweet and he seemed to be smitten with me too. Our first meeting turned into a few dinners and many text messages.
We relied heavily on fantasy in our texts. The fantasy really took hold and we were off to the races. I was this two-dimensional character in this torrid romance novel playing out on our phones, morning, noon and night. We would go to dinner. We would furiously text one another all day, every day. I would say we communicated our desires but not much more.
I felt the challenges of staying in character. I thought love was about how I felt in the moment. Then I embarked on a roller coaster of a health journey with Carl. One night, I invited him over for dinner, during which he asked his sugar daddy to pay for his car registration. I am usually not at a loss for words, but in that moment, what could I say? We had only dated for a few weeks, and all we talked about was me taking care of him.
When tasked with taking care of him in reality, I was paralyzed. I thought this was what I wanted โ or more accurately, all I could ask for. He was in my house, and we were alone. I was scared of what he would do if I said no. Would he leave if I asked? Would he hurt me? It is strange when you think this person is the one, and then when they come over, you hide your belongings. I had wanted him so badly and I so badly wanted to be done with dating, the apps and the small talk.
