As an independent publication, we rely on contributions from readers like you to fund our journalism. Americans carry a lot of anxiety about having an exciting sex life. Insecurity around sex is a common issue I see in my psychotherapy practice. My friend Alison Oliver sex educator and all-around epic woman and I discussed the results of an exercise she has asked her students to complete in which they describe an average sexual encounter from start to finish.
How do we reframe our expectations so we are not constantly critical of ourselves or our partner? How do I get into the mindset of sex being a place we go, instead of what we do to each other? How do we explore our sexual appetite without anxiety or the pressure of an outcome?
It starts with pondering what we like β what brings us pleasure, and what mood we must be in to explore it β and being open about this with our partner or partners. Kink culture is grounded in safe, sane and consensual communication. These erotic communication tools allow us to express, negotiate and explore our appetites. We can also access the tools of mindfulness to explore presence as opposed to performance.
In mindfulness, we are not eating to get to the end of the meal, but to enjoy and experience the food. This can easily be translated to an erotic or sexual experience. During a mindful eating exercise I do with clients, they are asked to eat a raisin or a nut and act as if they are an alien from another planet and have never seen or experienced the object in their hand. They are prompted to explore it with all their senses and notice not only what they see, hear or smell but also what they think.
If their mind wanders, as it often does, they are prompted to gently bring their awareness back to the object of attention. Then they are asked to put the food in their mouth and explore it without biting it, then chew and swallow it and notice how many stages of the experience are automatic or intuitive. What if we had this kind of presence of mind during a sexual encounter, instead of being distracted wondering if the other person is looking at the size of our ass or critiquing our performance?
